Embark on an Epic Adventure with the Pit-Bull VX

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Image credit: ANDI HEDRICK

The Alpine Armoring Pit-Bull VX is capable of withstanding a grenade blast, but its maneuverability around corners leaves much to be desired.

Imagine your pilot absconded with your aircraft, dashing any hopes of jetting off to New Zealand. Anticipating every possible scenario, you were well aware of the potential for such a betrayal. Thus, when the moment arrived to flee the urban chaos, your contingency plans surpassed those of the average individual. Forget about boarding the Gulfstream G650 bound for Auckland; instead, redirect your course towards your refurbished missile silo nestled in upstate New York. There, you can take refuge, indulging in the comforts of your wine cellar until a semblance of civilization is restored. However, reaching your sanctuary remains the immediate priority.

The good news is that your Alpine Armoring Pit-Bull will be perfect for a post-apocalyptic road trip. Typically supplied to law enforcement agencies, armed forces, and international governments, the Pit-Bull is an armored personnel carrier constructed on a cab of a previous-generation Ford F-550 4×4 chassis. The initial price of $250,000 is a steal for a bulletproof 10-passenger SUV, but Alpine will also sell it to private buyers. Before you even consider all the possibilities, though, that is.

Image credit: ANDI HEDRICK

You would likely desire all the bells and whistles of the $298,000 VX model. Example: the front bumper’s hydraulic battering ram: It gives new meaning to the word “drive-through” since you may use it to smash through walls, doors, or anything else that requires bashing. You can welcome your new buddies once you’ve entered by releasing a tear gas canister from the dispenser on the end of the ram. No, you are not about to plunder a Starbucks. You’re keeping the looters out of the Starbucks! The twelve bags of Komodo Dragon Blend will cost you some money. The notion is more important than the money, not that it matters much right now.

The Pit-Bull’s strengthened armor, which can stop a.50 BMG round and resist a grenade, makes it particularly formidable against any would-be highway bandits. Twenty kg of trinitrotol may be used instead. Continental off-road tires with run-flat technology encase the 20-inch wheels. Plus, there’s a seven-inch gun port in the rooftop turret, and one in the rear quarters and doors—because, you know, offensive is the best defense. You can use that turret as a shield because it revolves around and has a flippable roof. Be wary of flanking moves at all times.

Image credit: ANDI HEDRICK

Compared to your armored Mercedes-AMG G63, the Pit-Bull VX isn’t as nimble. The G63, like other Alpine products like the Escalades, S-classes, and Camrys, looks stocky and blends in with traffic. Or at least they did when traffic was heavier. With the exception of marauders and posses, the roads are clear, so you may give the Pit-Bull some room to manoeuvre. Keep in mind that the VX’s center of gravity is around halfway to the moon, so even with the light steering and massive anti-roll bars, a swift pull of the wheel can make you feel like you’re pole-vaulting on a Bering Sea crab boat deck. The good news is that you won’t have to worry about doing any crazy evasive manoeuvres behind the wheel. Rather than the other way around, traffic tries to evade the Pit-Bull. Even though there aren’t many regulations nowadays, that one seems to have been clearly communicated.

Looking at it from behind the wheel, the dashboard of the Ford Super Duty seems familiar. Not only is the Power Stroke 6.7-liter diesel engine outdated, but it is also tuned down compared to modern pickups. It faces off against an armored truck weighing around 19,750 pounds, despite having 330 horsepower and 750 pound-feet of torque. Like an F-350 pulling a big boat, the VX moves out with determination and inexorability. As with that configuration, 80 mph is possible but not recommended. You might see a drop in your fuel efficiency, which normally hovers around 8 or 9 mpg, if you accelerated that much. Not a major issue, though. You can still get diesel from the locomotives at the train yard, even though the fuel terminals aren’t working.

Whoever has the wisdom to purchase a SWAT truck now owns the roads; maybe trains may run again someday. It would have been wise to also get a pilot’s license.

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As an affiliate I get a small fee from Amazon.

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